For Because I Am Worthless

Feel the innate need to suffer and live a living hell... ... Because a stupid life is the only thing i have left in this game of life... A worthless life somewhat not important at all... compared to non-living things... ... Trying to stay awake with every last ounce of my will power... occasional knock outs only to wake up to the pain of realisation... a neverending night's cycle of cry and cry myself to accidentally sleep and wake up to only cry again... ...

I feel pain in every part of my soul... I ask myself and my broken self... rapidly diminishing senses... As i awake to pain again and again, never dying pain... And tell myself... let's just go jump off a building... yet I'm such a girl... because as much as I try to wanna jump... I can never bring myself to take that plunge... Other methods? Tempted... yet just have this slight feeling no worth eluding me...

What's gone is forever lost... ... because at the end of the day I see myself in the shards of a broken mirror... ... smitherines that are my heart crumpled into pieces and debris... It feels so sad... to know how worthless u are... yet still having to have to live this worthless life...

Emoer

I shouldn't have let it all out? Maybe I should have reserved more to myself... Perhaps I did irreversible damage in me being rash... But intense sadness over a lonely late night? =X I can't take it much though... ... I look at two coloured objects I place on my table... and rmb that day... and the day to come... I really hope it lasts that long...

Disappointed... Sad... lonely... remorseful all jumbled into one... I feel I did a wrong decision... ...

I'm an emoer... Dark clouds seem to loom whenever I'm all alone... ...

The Art Of Drama

Drama is an art... The beauty of literacy in it's most expressive form, and the spark that gives life to an interesting conversation. It is the perception based on creativity and to most the extremist and perfectionist. Watch those musicals on TV... High school muscial, Camp Rock and all... Imagine a world in musical. What a world it would be... Where me making a trip to the toilet or going school would mean people around me dancing to catchy tunes. And when you are sad how convinient lol. Instant sad music to enhance the atmosphere XD

Dancing to the rhythm of life... Seeing new things everyday. Everything exactly the same but somewhat different. Long time no blog... so many things to say yet so difficult to ellaborate. everybody should be busy mugging away now... But I guess I'm procrastinating. Finally got music back to my own blog. Feels as though also finally got some music back into my own life.

Living for the day after tomorrow... I wonder what kind of day that would be? Taking light hearted sleep. I've become a light sleeper. Drifting passively with the bulk of the people and leading a life of complacency.Tall tales to entertain myself? hardly any nowadays... =X Yet as I think to myself everynight... keep feeling somehow sometime soon some kind of drama is going to start unfolding.

Learning the arts to surviving harsh reality. To esacpe to my inner sanctuary to conceal myself from blindspots. Though times are ending and new time is creating every living second of my life. As I relinquish the past and doubt the future, I ask myself in the present where I wanna go and ask myself lots of typical 'think too much' questions.

I really wonder all the time... If what we are living in is the real world. How do I know if I am dreaming. In fact how does everyone know if they are truely existent or not. Maybe we're all part of someone's dream. Maybe we're all fictious characters in a book? No one knows. Yet as I fear with a fear so deeply intense deep inside. What happens if I wake up one day to find out the 18 years of my life was just a dream and that nothing ever happened. If so... who am I really? Perhaps an old geezer in hospital? Perhaps a baby having a dream? Or even someone in a comma seeing visions of another world. The parallel world called our world.

No one can tell me what is truely real and what is truely false. Faith shall carry us through the darkest hour yea? I used to think so. But I wonder if faith is what we turn to when we have no answers. If this really were by a chance a dream world... perhaps our dearly departed had merely just woken up. And the point when we die we shall finally understand what it all means to be living in this world we are now. Even if this were a dream... I wish I never woke up =X Grown so emotionally attached to so many things here... Can't possibly just go like that... =((

These past few days have felt so happy... I kind of dread the days after even though i know its bad. I'm learning to be good... So one day my dream and wish will come true... For now... I guess take it all down... even though I feel that lonely feeling... It's alright... perhaps then appreciation will come before anything else... ...

My one and only wish... since starting of the year... ... If with enough effort and sincerity... Perhaps... ... it might... ... happen? I wish so hard >.<

Will Power

I need to do something now or it'll all be too late... precious diamond, multi-faceted... flawless quality, crystal clear perception... Beautiful illusion in front of me. I feel complacency in my heart, but as voices of reason wake me up... I sitr in my own sleep and ask myself why I'm not doing anything...

A ban to yourself? haha... Maybe its time to remove the ban becuz it would seem like a source for motivation... something my complacent soul seriously needs... That kind of fire power like last time... That incinerates all... I hate myself seriously... as I hear people say the truth and I myself blame myself....

What the hell am i thinking? =X I gotta change course, go another direction... becuz this idea is crazy... Yet do i even have a chance to success it seems pessimistic or perhaps over estimating myself... =((

Broken

I wonder when views will change... ... Though views are not always true... and many people different perception... If only impressions never lasted... but that will mean turning back the hands of time... Though it's inside that matters and you know who you are... sometimes I wish I could take out my heart, so that people will see... so that people will believe what I claim is true and take my word for it...

Though i say its alright... Politically correct sentence and word of consolment to decieve oneself: 'Let those shallow people be. Who cares for people who judge you before they know u...' Yet we all are to blame for ourselves sometimes right? We portrayed ourselves that way, so it's our own choice.

To be ourselves or to show what people wanna see... I wonder... if there's a line somewhere between those two that is subtle yet perfect. Wanna tell the world... if i said it truely ok... I would be lying... becuz who would be? =( It's one of those things that even if I jumped into the yellow river I can never wash off the 'sin'... Neither would it make a difference if I strapped myself to a lie detector... and say the truth... people will just believe what their brains and hearts tell them... science and logic too will not be considered a valid answer... for ppl who dun believe u will qn if those sciences are 100% accurate...

I guess... i can only count on ppl that believe me... =(

I wish there was a way i could show them I'm not what they think i am... ... =X

Heartbreak

I feel so much heartbreak... My heart has split into two... >.< I feel so sorry yet so lost... I wish you won't ignore me plz... =X I just wanna talk and communicate so i know what exactly you hate me so much about? I know its shameful and so stupid of me... becuz though i did something wrong I until now still not very sure... =X I wish you would tell me... ... hai... dun ignore me bro
=((((

I dun ever once wanted to harm you and even if i did... I really didn't mean to... =( and so i tell you sincerely I'm sorry... ... for becuz I hurt you so much... =( I know whatever I say... there is never a sure way to ever tell if i am lying to u or if its truely how I feel... Even if i say i strap myself to a lie detector... i guess ultimately i understand now... trust is something that can never be proven but is just how much u believe someone... I hope u believe me bro... =X I really saying all those things from the bottom of my heart...

You're my most important friend and a family member to me too... =( And I'll treasure u no matter how things turn out... I wonder if I'm selfish? I know maybe is just i wanna save this frenship so is selfish of me... but really... >.< U really wanna end? =(((( How do u expect me to just see it end when you're my brother sia...

My heart's in a mess now... even feel things I NOT supposed to feel... >.<>.< really... To me now... my brother is the most important thing and nothing else... so just... give me a chance will u? =X Let past issues be buried and dun dig them up anymore... We cannot change the past but at least we have the present? =X

Just sorry bro... really sorry... T.T Dun be mad at me anymore... =(

If i dun flush that thing out of my system I forsee terrible danger... so... for me and your sake... I said bye forever to that thing... ... =(

The Truth Shall Set Us Free?

I feel bad... Having to lie and lie to cover up my lies... So tired having to worry one day secrets will be known and me having to deal with the aftermath... So I hid myself... And my deed to protect myself from a storm... ... Reap what you sow yea? However as I thought for a long time too... Even if its wrong... ... or bad... I didn't intend to do anything bad in the first place... =X Never did... Harmed no one... Only harmed myself... ... And in the end when I finally wanna tell people I become a criminal...

Although I say it's no longer... Will you believe me? Because I lied to you before because I dun wanna lose you... ... Last time... As much as I hate it... Feelings and emotions I can't control one right? Even though I tried so hard... And in the end when everyone tell me... I didn't do anything bad... I wonder why my fate is still as such... =(

I just was so scared all this time... the truth will leave me empty... yet always hated so much to lie to u... I should have just said... and I wished deep inside when I tell you perhaps you'll tell me it's alright since its over... It's my dark past... And accept me for who I once were and what now... ... I never lied about any other thing but this... This I promise... But will you believe me this time? I'll only say I'm sorry... ... becuz... i once told you i will never lie to u about anything...

I wanna say I love you brother... Not in a way you now might think... Because you're like my family outside home... and whether brother and best friend was ever real? I assure u... I never thought otherwise for a second... ... and that's the truth I can only say...

Rainy Day

It's a sad... and lonely night today... It's raining like there's no tomorrow... The howling wind beating against the windows... Raindrops falling and trickling down the window sill... Protected from the outside like an oasis from the onslaught of the storm... a sanctuary amidst disaster... A refuge to seek shelter from the malevolent clouds... and the scudding rain's fury...

I shiver... ... And I shudder... Starring and asking why... asking if god will hear and tell me... why even in my room there's still rain falling on my head...

The rain seems so big just above my head... so lightly it falls on other people... And as I absorb the shock and impact of the falling rain... ... I look out and create rain myself... When life's unfair... and know it... That the grass is greener on the other side always... And also for rain that only seems to hit me more badly...

Yet as I stop and stare... and ask myself if it's just me...? And cry in pain and suffering amidst everything else... it's like time froze... Living in trepidation... for a silly mistake that will beckon me sayonara... I live in fear for the just that slip up that will bring me all the way to the hell for ppl who die in hell...

Talked and talked... so many things and so little time... As I ranted misfortune how sorrowful and dull... Only to realise... the person i talked to was no better... Two emo ppl talked and talked... and in the end... how more sad it is... the world's so sad... ... ... ... =( but at the end... in all the tears... Somehow... comfort follows and i know... it's never only me... ... neither is it big or small... ...

Peered out of the window... to see the rain... to see it subsided... as calm as it was my heart... searched for that last puddle or wet marks on the concrete floor... But in the end...

Where's the rain? It was raining in deed... ... somewhere else... just not outside... ... but inside... ...

What's Tormenting Me? =(

What's tormenting me? Driving me insane and all fickle... What driving me? To think of all those rushing films of thoughts... What's bugging me so much? That is makes me restless day and night... What's this I am feeling? Is it anguish? Sadness? Dullness? or...? Information overload... So much rushing through my head yet so little I understand...

Wanna talk to so many people... yet strangely nothing comes out... Ask me what I wanna say... The answer is I dunno too... Just feel like there's so many things in my heart and mind... But I still dunno what I wanna say to anyone... Save me from this torment... This bugging sensation that is so irritating and refuses to let way...

What's wrong with me seriously? Why am I so troubled by something I cannot even pinpoint... What's this all about? Perhaps I have some idea... But why is it I can't speak it out? Why...? =(((

Can I do what I decided I would do when the right time comes...? Or would I be too soft and give in in the end... Is this right of me? To abandon my heart for what is right for the soul? But then again... perhaps things would turn out fine without my interference... Let's wait and see... But can I deliver the ultimate hand of judgement? To do what i said and to do what is right... To do not what only I think is right... and what is fair... But what everyone thinks should be the right way to do it... I'll try... But I can never promise...

I said so long... ... But I guess... u dun care actually or get the hint... ... Apathy? am I capable of that?... ... I can only say... easily erroded convictions...

Bubbles

Waiting for something that might not come at this very moment... Yet waiting like there's all that 100% guarantee that with enough hope things will go as you wish or expected... Not just waiting for things at this moment... everyone.... everything... seems to be waiting for something else... What am I waiting for? I am waiting... ... for what I am waiting for... ...

I see bubbles all around me... Beautiful bubbles of dreams so big... Fragile bubbles of hopes real easily dashed... I see the passion in people's eyes, feel the warmth of life flowing through people's veins, and hear voices of people vague and clear... I smile to the image of flowery languages and views... yet behind me the soul weeps for the frail and delicate nature of such ideaologies...

All is one, and one is all... I am the one, and the world is the all... All of us are but tiny specks of life moving like the blood through the vessels of the Earth... How losing one life means nothing... Yet as a bulk of the human race and all life on it we form the rivers of life and the flow of the living and its life force... As each life affects another and another affects yet another... We soon realise... our life does not belong to purely thyself... That everything and everyone is connected somehow in a huge tapestry so tightly woven together...

The human body composition: water 35litres, carbon 20kg, ammonia 4litres, salt 250g, sulphur 80g, iron 5g, lime 1.5kg, silicon 3g, fluorine 7.5g, phosphorus 800g, and trace amounts of 15 other elements. all these materials easily obtainable and cheap too yet... by some mysterious miracle we can move and live... Body, soul and spirit... The spirit connects the soul and the body...

I wait aimlessly both for the future and the present... as I once said before... 'I prospect the very origin and set off from the threshold... Ended up at the point of all beginnings... Only to understand... everything is a cycle...'. If that's really the case... then I wonder... by moving forward whether we are moving backward too? That ultimately what is a goal? When everything is just a cycle of being...

Am I sad today? =( I dunno... Do I feel something? Yea... What is it I feeling? Nothing... ... Same thing on my mind? Perhaps... A penny for your thoughts then? Definitely... Am I unhappy again?

I dunno... because... its undescribable... as someone once said to me... 'How do u define unhappy or happy? Just okok la...' So i guess... I'm... okok =(

Leech

I wonder... what's happening all around me... as I play and play the piano until my hands hurt and my mind all blur... I asked myself what's my worth and rememebered... someone says I am hopeless...

And I see insecurity within myself... reflected in actions, feelings and gestures... I won't force anymore... ... But dun dun believe me... Becuz i feel that feeling of disbelief... all over again... =( Because I speak only the voice of truth... short term memory and u forget... It breaks my heart... but dun destroy it and say I am making dubious claims... becuz I swear u know... I didn't =( Believe me plz... dun say I am a liar and imagined things... Becuz I'm lucid... and it hurts so much hearing it from u... U know... i went to learn it... ... How can it be i made it up? plz believe me...

And I am tearing and crying so madly as I make this post... but I know I'm emo and easily sad.. And people too tired to care anymore... But it hurts so much each time...... not playing or acting or what... ... It's real... ... And i dun even know... if people believe anymore... Probably always just think I'm just putting up a pitiful act or sorts...

I feel like a leech and I fear that forever does not exist... Trying so hard to make forever exist... I can no longer make u feel happy anymore... nor help u anymore... T.Ti wish i was more worth... but i can't... ...

Please believe me... ... I'm not lying... or trying to say i right and u wrong... but even if u forget... dun say i lied and fabricate stories... I really didn't =( and It HURTS me so much... u thought i did

Equivalent Exchange

Miraculousy... I dun feel anything... Something seems missing somehow... And I dunno why... ... Watching the anime fullmetal alchemist these few days... and completed the whole saga. Felt something after watching and during watching... I feel I got some ideas... Cried as I watched the ending... It was not a really happy one... though fulfilling in its own way... And as I watch this drama...

Some of my own drama flashes by... As quickly as it is over...